Gay men use the same bathroom as other gay men and lesbian women use the same bathroom as other lesbian women, and they fucking get over “same sex attraction” because they’re socially competent adults in a developed society.
I write this piece from the comfort of a toilet seat, in my single person bathroom, in my single person apartment. I remember when I was in middle school we had gym class and the boys all had to change in the men’s locker room. It was an uncomfortable feeling, to come into a circle around a wooden bench with a bunch of guys and change into and out of gym clothes. There was like this wooden bench that guys put their clothes on while changing, and behind them there were green gym lockers. I went to a single person’s stall in the locker room and changed there instead, or at least I did the first several times. I remember telling a classmate of mine in the men’s locker room “I wish I were normal”. He replied something to the effect of “nobody is normal” or “what is normal?”. I couldn’t answer that question, but after puberty (and after a run-in with symptoms of bipolar disorder), I didn’t think I was normal. I did think this other guy was normal, though. He seemed content and reasonably confident in himself, with no apparent psychological or psychiatric problems, and he later dated a very normal seeming girl who also seemed reasonably content and confident in herself. Both of them were a little quirky, but they seemed very normal, more normal than I ever was. In addition to being mentally sane, they were also apparently much more emotionally straight that me.
As a young male person, I hated women (and also myself). I wanted to lose my male virginity, and women did not want me to fuck them. I made a list of desirable characteristics in a woman, and at the top of that list was “short stature”. I didn’t understand that there was a connection between relationships and sex at this time in my life (or for many years after puberty, honestly), but I did understand that I wanted to put dick in girls, and they didn’t want me putting dick in them, and this was a problem because if I couldn’t put my dick in girls I couldn’t lose my male virginity. Yes, this is basically how my male brain worked as a teenager. Some women even seemed to like or love me, but I didn’t really understand that until over a decade later. Like this one girl named “Cathy” got me this Teddy Bear for Valentine’s Day in 8th grade, went to my birthday (which was at a beach where I basically stared at her boobs), and later at the end of 11th grade (I think it was 11th) she wrote this in my yearbook. We were friends and I think she liked me or loved me (at least at one point – we had lunch alone behind the school together a few times, and to me that was like middle school dating). I liked her too, like as a friend who I could eat lunch with in 8th grade. She later ended up dating my older male friend, which I didn’t like. Me personally, the thing I remember most strongly about her is how tingly my hands felt on top of her bra (don’t ask how they got there – she took my math book and I kind of tried to wrestle it from her) when I was in 8th grade and we were having lunch alone together behind the school. The feeling, it was like lightning that shot up through my body starting from my hands, then up my arms, and to my head, and my bipolar made it stronger. I felt kind of embarrassed feeling sexually turned on around her (it was instant), and when I was in middle school I took active measures to conceal erections. I felt really embarrassed, and I acted awkwardly. I remember hiding this erection and saying to her that I had to go look at an encyclopedia or something. Man teenage years suck.
Cathy had this annoying high pitched laugh, a friendly voice (she liked me), and she constantly asked me to shave, just like my mother did (I don’t think either of them realized how much I hated that), because apparently they both find a clean shaven look to be more sexually attractive than facial hair. Oh boy. Hey – I also find pretty boys to be more attractive! I kind of had this pretty male friend (no sexual attraction, although to be honest his face sort of resembles that of my current girlfriend – they both have hot eyes). He did ballet and later wrote poetry [click “The Work” at this link to see his poetry]. He was adorable, and he had this blond anime boy hair that sort of moved back and forth when he shook his head, and he liked this song. Oh Stefan. He’s adorable, and I talked to him a lot and he listened and occasionally made wry comments, and the two of us were inseparable when we were together. He was on the way to a friend’s house when we bumped into each other near some trimmed hedges. He had a volleyball, so we played 1-on-1 volleyball over the shrubbery, and later I would literally show up at his house at like 7AM on a Saturday, and he would open the door in his pajamas with this funny look on his face and be like “Do you have any idea how early it is? *Hrmph*“. We were friends, and I loved him. One time we were talking about girls and I said I didn’t like girls, and he retorted that this implies that I was gay, and I said that I wasn’t gay. Later on he or his father said that he thought that homosexuality was a choice, but for me fucking guys was physically not something that my body could do, so to me it wasn’t a choice (although I later did question whether or not I was straight). His future girlfriend didn’t look like someone who I would want to fuck, so I guess I can see how he might be a little gay in a way, although I think he really loved her. This was many years later. Anyway…
Going back to the story, Stefan moved overseas because his parents had issues with taxes, and I was absolutely destroyed, and when I was 13 I kind of threw myself at Cathy to fill the deep emptiness that I felt after Stefan was gone. I was unhappy about the end of my friendship with him for years afterwards. We mentioned something about doing long distance over Skype, but it never worked out (although we did one Skype call), and that made me very sad for a long time. I didn’t really have closure. It took what felt like an eternity for me to find that kind of a relationship again. After a long time he found me on Facebook and added me as a friend (I wonder if he was ever attracted to me in some way), and one time my parents went over to Europe and we played soccer together, but it just wasn’t the same. I kind of went from this happy kid to this miserable narcissist after I went through puberty, and my heart was closed off, and it just wasn’t the same. I just wanted to fuck chicks to fill my sadness whole. *Wha ha ha ha*. Years later, I sort of randomly messaged him “I love you” on Facebook messenger, and he was sort of like “OK”. If he told me he wanted to have sex with me, I probably would have had about the same reaction 🙂.
Anyway, back then I changed from this kid who was always smiling to this mentally fucked up person. I became embarrassingly and uncomfortably hyper-sexual (and the mental problems probably contributed). I fantasized about Cathy when I masturbated, which is generally not something that I do with people who I am actually in a real romantic relationship with. Like I don’t fantasize sexual scenarios involving my girlfriend or the person who I was in a relationship with before her, or the person before that, or Stefan (*eww*, lol ❤️). Generally if I fantasize sexual scenarios about someone, I’m not actually into them in real life (regardless of what thoughts pass through my head at 11PM the next day). Why would I fantasize sexual scenarios about someone if could have real sex with them in real life? I think some sexual fantasies are just a result of sexual repression – like things that you want to do but don’t. The point is that I never loved Cathy. Anyway…
I didn’t really have any psychological connection between romantic love for a person and sex with women (attachment, sure, but not love), and I didn’t really connect relationships with sex until later in life. Like I just thought someone else turned you on and you turned them on and then you two fucked (sort of like a male and a female animal that are alone together). I didn’t really have a relationship with a woman that wasn’t sex based until after I graduated from the University of Florida. I mean I had a female friend who I had sex with and became attached to, but it was a bad relationship (although she instigated almost all of the sex) and she had to bully me or trick me to get me to have sex with her. Like I didn’t have the kind of relationship where it gradually progressed from hanging out to kissing to more than kissing until after I received my bachelor’s degree from the University of Florida (at age 22). I mean at an LGBTQ+ nightclub (which had drag queens and a “men get in free” night back then) at the University of Michigan, a femme looking lesbian who I was sort of dancing face to face with grabbed me by the neck once and started tongue fucking my mouth, and that felt hot, but that never became a relationship. I’m not sure why she did it, but she kind of noticed my eyes, was drunk (and probably turned on), and later used the term “animalistic urge” to describe the feeling that she acted on when she sort of grabbed me and started making out with me. I got her number, but when we were texting, she texted that the making out didn’t feel hot to her like it did to me and also she was in a relationship with this older, butch looking lesbian who was in another city at the time (I didn’t know about this until after). I liked her as a friend and she was very hot.
Anyway, I don’t think it occurred to me that there was a connection between sex and relationships because I never really connected sex with love (assume that healthy attachment and love are not the same thing). Like in my late teens I had a guy friend who I loved (different guy friend, also attractive) and I had “girl friends” who I wanted to have sex with, but I didn’t really come to the conclusion until later that I was supposed to have both of those things (like the romantic attraction to the person and the sexual attraction) both in one person until later. Like some people (who are kind of like me) sort of have someone of the opposite sex who they’re attached to and have sex with and they have someone of the same sex who they would go on long walks on the beach with, but those were two separate people. You don’t marry two people and get sex from one person and love from another person. You marry one person and get both love and sex from the same person (hopefully). I mean some people don’t feel sexual attraction and they have sex a little differently, but there is still some sort of coupling that holds you two together, where your needs are met, and you are secure (hopefully, although you should be secure before you find this other person).
Anyway, the point is I love men (I admit it!) and that I’m emotionally gay but heterosexual. Like I’m gay when it comes to the person, not the body. I hope that makes sense. I think my girlfriend is also like that, because if she wasn’t like that I don’t think we would have the gender balance that we do and I don’t think she would be into me the way she is. Like she likes Chuck Norris and she talks kind of like Chuck Norris (from “Walker, Texas Ranger”), but despite her masculine characteristics I still want to fuck her (love + sexual attraction is the best). I’m sexually attracted to the opposite sex, but it’s a neck-down thing. Don’t Google this if you don’t want to see anything explicit, but look at the lady from “BehindTheMaskk” and you’ll kind of get what I mean by “it’s a neck-down thing”. I’m not gay or straight. Technically, I am a homoromantic heterosexual (Google “romantic orientation” if you don’t know what “homoromantic” means). There’s a gender balance.
Anyway, I’m kind of like a girl a little bit. Like I often feel like I want to be in “women’s” places, like for example at the University of Michigan there was a feminism club where girls (young women) met every week to sit in a circle on couches and talk about stuff from women’s studies and feminism. Or like I would do hot yoga, aerial silks, that kind of stuff. I like this and occasionally I’ll sing along. There is this sort of love for femininity that some gay men (including some masculine looking gay men and also me) have. That being said, I sometimes felt pressured to be more of a man. Like with my female friend who bullied me in to sex (in a bad relationship), I would sit down to pee and she would ask me why I didn’t pee standing up. Apparently she wanted me to pee standing up. I sometimes get a sexual feeling when I see guys peeing standing up from behind, and I guess she was looking for something like that from me *eww – I am not into her – get away from me*. Like when I look at James Deen at that link in the previous sentence, I can kind of feel this sexual feeling in my junk, but I don’t have any desire to like touch myself or anything the way some girls do when they look at something online that gives them that sexual feeling (I am guessing that this is the same feeling that some femme straight women feel when they watch lesbian porn, which according to PornHub is a popular form of porn for straight women). From my perspective as a guy, straight girls are gay (I mean just look at how they look up Kim Kardashian on PornHub), but that’s just how it looks from my perspective, with my definition of the word “gay”. The way I define “gay”, straight women are gay. I don’t look at naked dudes the way straight girls look at Kim Kardashian on PornHub. I’m a top, not a bottom, and I’m not physically sexually attracted to males. No “same sex attraction” as Dr. Michael Brown calls it, but I honestly think that femme straight girls do have some of that “same sex physical attraction”, which is why they come off as gay to me.
Anyway, getting back to the point, I pee standing up because it’s faster, but in general I like to pee sitting down. Heck, sometimes I even do my eyes to make them look attractive, although I very rarely wear eye makeup (except for this YouTube video). I’m messy and not super self aware, and I rarely put in the effort or care to make myself look good unless I am making a YouTube video or maybe going on a date or something like that. My girlfriend offered me liquid eyeliner before though, a gesture which I appreciated. On the exterior I am very male (for example I want arm muscles), and I am apparently masculine on the outside, but on the interior I’m kind of the opposite. Also, when I look at the men’s and women’s bathrooms, I kind of have a tendency to go towards the women’s bathroom and I have to kind of catch myself and steer myself into the men’s bathroom, and also I like gender neutral bathrooms. On multiple occasions I accidentally walked into a women’s restrooms and then rushed out, although to be honest nowadays a lot of them look almost the same except for the urinal in the men’s room.
Also, it is really awkward when me and another guy pee side by side. Like occasionally there is no divider between the urinals and I kind of sort of notice or want to look at the other guy’s dick. I’m not gay, but there is something sexual about dicks. Don’t tell anyone this, but I secretly own a dildo. Okay, it’s not that secret. Anyway, if there is no divider, I would rather just use a stall. Basically, I’m like a woman or a “male lesbian”, and I would like “to achieve the complete dismantling of all gender based institutions“, as I Tweeted, because sexism, homophobia, sexual repression, etc. are bad for people and I don’t think that restricting people socially or keeping them from being themselves helps. Just look at what happened to the gay Catholic priests:
- https://twitter.com/JohnReedForPres/status/1102403201272303616 https://twitter.com/JohnReedForPres/status/1102246602494918657 https://twitter.com/JohnReedForPres/status/1100444391569805314
But yeah, I believe that these sorts of things mess people up in the head. I know these sorts of things affected me in the past.
I am a liberal, god damn it, and I will pee in a girl’s bathroom.
See Twitter thread: https://twitter.com/JohnReedForPres/status/1128813908964331522