On Saturday Night Politics, they mentioned a conversation between Steve Bannon and a friend of Donald Trump. Steve Bannon said that if the pressure on Donald Trump gets high enough he will kill himself. Trump’s friend replied “no, he will fake a heart attack.”

I don’t know if this is a true story, but it reminds me of when I was suicidal. Two things contributed to this feeling:

1. A very severe form of depression that made it impossible for me to feel pleasure anymore. Things that I used to enjoy and things that gave me pleasure gave me less and less joy and less and less pleasure the more time passed. I literally became catatonic and I didn’t want to live anymore. The poetry I wrote back then (see link in previous sentence) wasn’t bad, though.
2. I had relationship issues revolving around my parents and this young woman who in retrospect liked or even loved me, but I only wanted sex and also I was temporarily hypersexual because before this period of severe depression I had bipolar mania.

Mania was weird for me because it happened at around the same time as me reaching male puberty, and I conflated a lot of the symptoms of mania with symptoms of male puberty. During this period (before the suicidal depression) I was so hypersexual that I compulsively needed to masturbate roughly every half hour around the clock, and when I was 13 I thought that this hypersexuality was just male puberty. In retrospect I totally did not have psychologically normal male puberty, but I did not know this at the time. It took four years for me to diagnose myself with bipolar disorder, and it is this mental health problem that drew me to psychiatry when I was in high school. I did not become a psychiatrist, but I did deal with these problems and learned from them. One consequence of my sexual and romantic issues that I had was that I began to loath my sexuality and myself. My demeanor changed. At one point when I was 13 or 14 I literally felt like I would have been better off if I were neutered. I do not feel that way anymore, but I did have SERIOUS psychological and psychiatric problems that I only gradually overcame and that only gradually lessened with age. In between then and now I did many things that I regretted or that I shouldn’t have done, such as stalking and engaging in bad relationships like this one in which I was psychologically abusive. You might not think it’s that bad because I was never physically violent with them, but the stalking, clinging, and “shadow relationships” were a constant, very severe problem for me. It was like an addiction, one of multiple addictions and compulsions that I experienced, but in my opinion it was the single worst of them all. I never got into drugs or gambling (with the exception of non-addictive psychiatric drugs, but even then it was very controlled and monitored), but if I did get into addictive drugs or gambling I very might well have either overdosed on drugs or gambled away every single penny. I had mental problems.

My single worst problem that was a consequence of both my mind and my body was an addiction to “shadow relationships”. I am attracted to female bodies (hips, ass, the smell of their body, and the “electric” sexual feeling in my hands from heterosexual touch), but I am not attracted to women as people. Like there is something about their “womanly” personality that just doesn’t work with me, but when you are 13 you are more focused on her boobs than on her personality. By the way, the individual in that last link, Lauren Hanley (a classmate whose personality really isn’t that sexual in real life) was the first person who I ever masturbated to back when I was 13 years old. This makes her a special woman. I think we both had visible symptoms of ADHD in middle school (like one time I karate kicked open a “push” door and later she also kicked open the same type of door by jumping up and kicking said door with a “hy-ya”, causing it to fly open), but she actually is not as stupid as people might think based on how hot and “ditsy” she is. She actually sat two seats behind me in eighth grade math class back when I had my “nymphomania” problem. We both repeatedly asked for bathroom breaks in the middle of class, but I used my bathroom breaks to masturbate and she used them to skip class and meet up with a friend. In real life nothing ever happened between us, but I would have loved to fuck her brains out ❤️.

The point is that I had problems going way back to my early years. Lauren Hanley is kind of adorable, and guys seem to love her, and I totally get it (see comments in link), but I’m kind of a little queer, I just didn’t really fully get that until later. Like I love women, I’m just not attracted to them as people. That last link was meant to be a joke. I’m a funny guy. And also kind of an egomaniac who really enjoyed Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along blog.

• John

p.s. I know I say sexual things sometimes, but this is not meant to be erotica (even though some straight women seem to read it that way).